How good of a man was Genreal Tsao? Friday, Sep 30 2011 

I been back on my general Tsao’s chicken game and started pondering about what kind of dude general Tsao was. Would I enjoy chilling with him? Or would he be nerdier than an 8th grade Greg Elbaum. Would he smell like barf muffins or would he have more swag than Dante Hall. I really wondered, so i decided to hit up the wise elderly chinese man that lives down the block from me.

When I opened the door to his house i noticed 4 wrinkly chinese women eating pork dumplings and dipping it in cottage cheese. I said to them, “listen up women of the ming dynasty, you better not be taking cheese from my cottage”. They were startled but understood my concern, and they began to all bow in front of me. The situation was straight with my asian bitches so I proceeded to walk down the long corridor to the room of Lin Hao, the wise chinese man.

I went up to Lin, and was just like whats good my boy. He was glad to see me because I did a great job shoveling his house over winter break. Naturally he was happy to see me and he gave me mad meat objects from his poo-poo platter. I bit into one and it was meat with a turd filling. I said”Lin you have betrayed me”, so I fatalitied him in front of his bitches. I grabbed the book of General Tsao and went on my way.

I opened the book and saw that general Tsao was actually Zuo Zangtang. He was a famous chinese general and dethroned the Taiping king and brought an end to mad rebellions. He was real nice at throwing spears and was pretty decent at making dumplings.

Juggalo’s are softer than Roseanne’s son Thursday, Sep 29 2011 

JUGGALO- A greasy, fat teenager with a kool aide mustache and no friends who listens to songs about clowns in his step mother’s double wide mobile home, when he isn’t hanging out at the mall food court. Please watch this video and enjoy. You will be amused by the idiocy of these people and the things they say.

 

Dean Portman’s Lawyer Calls the Shots Thursday, Sep 29 2011 

The first 30 seconds of this video shows Dean Portman, the second bash brother show up just in time to beat on the Varsity squad in Mighty Ducks D3.  Please enjoy:

This dude comes in fresh out of Chi-Town and said he saw his scholarship lying around and his attorney told him to sign it.  Haha what the fuck is that?? Is his attorney going around his house looking at papers, found the scholarship and was like, “Hey Dean, you should sign this, Fulton and Charley are going to need you for the season.”  Well listen up dickhead, they could have used you for the whole season.  Or is Dean on probation or some shit, and his lawyer thought that going to a preppy ass school to play hockey would make him look better for the judge?  Or is Dean such a G that he had Johnny Cochran for a lawyer?  Cochran did represent athletes, so it’s a possibility. I guess we’ll never know.

I just find it hilarious that thats how they wanted to introduce Portman into this movie.  This actor (link to his IMDB) took time off from blowin lines and gettin a perfect perm to join Disney as the bad ass motherfucker from Chicago.  This dude was the test bunny for N.O-Explod back in the 90s.  I also want to add that the announcer fuckin kills it in this scene.  That kid is a G. Respect.  Well Dean Portman’s lawyer told me to wrap it up, so peace.

Over-Intensive Body Art: DUDE STOP!! Wednesday, Sep 28 2011 

Not getting noticed enough?? Feel like people don’t accept you for who are?? Then get out into the real world and bring something to the table. Don’t go to the tatoo parlor and stretch your earlobes out, and don’t put spikes or horns on any part of your body. I understand that you probably are self conscious in your own skin, but bottomline people are not going to like you any better when you have ancient african earlobes and bigger horns than 12th century Jews. Do you really think you will live a better life being known as a big earlobed demon or as someone who is a little shy and hasn’t quite found their group of friends. Don’t transform yourself into a weird looking creature so that you can be good boys with other weird looking creatures.

DUDE CMON, JUST STOP..

SERIOUSLY, DUDE STOP!

 

Returning the Shopping Cart Just Plain Sucks… Wednesday, Sep 28 2011 

After going grocery shopping the last thing I want to do is walk the empty shopping cart to the designated shopping cart recycling area.  At one point in that shopping carts day they were something.  They had character, they were full of life.  They were filled with groceries: mad cheese, frozen chicken wings, Hawaiin Punch, asparagus etc…

But once that motherfucker is empty, and all its belongings are in someones dark trunk, that cart needs to go somewhere.  It always seems like that somehwere is nowhere near your car.  I don’t care it it is 20 ft away from your car, it’s still too far.  Fuck returning the shopping carts to where you’re supposed to.  You just spent money, and unloaded that shit, returning it to a bullshit ass designated place is the last thing you want to do. 

And listen up….. Now that we on the subject of grocery items, lets talk about ranch. If you have ranch in you fridge and it aint made by Hidden Valley, then you’re just a plain retard. If you got that kraft low fat bull shit then you are a peasant. Ranch is not a commodity, stop treating it like it is one.

PERL AND THE DIVING BOARD DEUCE. Tuesday, Sep 27 2011 

I’m about to open up an uncovered chapter of my life that I stored deep in the memory bank.

Chapter 12- Diving Board Duece-

DBD happened in the summer of 1995. I was only 6 years old when my parents decided they wanted to join a country club. The day was a warm sunday in the month of July, I will never forget the events that transpired. On the morning of DBD day, I had a steak egg and cheese bagel from Mcdonald’s. About 2 hours later my family drove the 4 mile trek to Tam o Shanter golf club in order to see the course, dining facilities, and swimming pool. After eating a huge burger and fries even though I wasn’t hungary me and my brother decided to head to the pool and hit on some bitches.

This is where the story takes a turn for the worse and me and my brothers street cred took a huge hit. Well, my brother was in the pool talking mad gamesicles to some cute chick, and I was sitting on a lounge chair because I had a bad tummy ache. My brother told me to man up and get in the pool because he needed me to wingman for him. I was extremely thankful for this oppurtunity because the chick I was Wing PeytonManning on was a serious dimeington. She was real hot and I wanted to impress her, so I decided I would do a backflip off the diving board.

When I got off the lounge chair I walked confidently up to the diving board as everyone from the pool watched from afar. I knew this was my chance to get my family into Tam O shanter and my opportunity to get my first beej. The pressure was immense and my stomach was feelin more tense than Hunter Pence. I had last second thoughts of chickening out of the jump but once I stood on the diving board I knew there was no turning back. After my first step towards the edge of the board I felt my stomach give way to a secreting brown liquid that was dripping down my leg. At first I thought it was that time of year that I shed chocolate milk but I soon realized that It was just diareah. I was completely embarrassed everyone became silent and just looked at me with disgust.

If you thought this story couldn’t get any more embarrassing or pathetic than please read on and enjoy. Well if you thought that me shitting on the diving board would stop me from jumping in the pool then you are completely wrong. I ended up doing my blackflip and lasering diarea rain drops all over the pool. It turns out my brother had a bad gag reflax as a child and he proceeded to throw up all up in the pool. I’m sure you can guess the reaction of all the parents at the pool and all the lasting impression it left on those people.

Turns out I actually was a member of Tam O shanter for 12 years, and the board of entrees enjoyed my poop performance. They realized it was a sign the pool needed some cleaning and that I was merely testing the ph levels with my diarea tentacles.

 

Hollister T-Shirts on Grown Ass Men…. Monday, Sep 26 2011 

Perly killin it with the gameday post…every sunday homeboy. The NFL needs these types of young pioneers…

 

 

Anywho…today I want to discuss something that really pisses me off: grown ass men still wearing Hollister t-shirts.  There is not too much to say on this subject so I am going to get right to the point.  When I am in the mall making my rounds between Foot Locker, Champs, Finish Line, Lids, and the food court I am forced to walk by Hollister.  The second I walk by Hollister I am hit with a stench that smells like a Bar Mitzvah party dance floor.  This smell attracts young teens and pedafiles.  But it also lures the Tim Tebowish dudes of the world. These dudes think since they have been taking creatine and just doing biceps and chest they are qualified to wear a fucking lame motherfucking t-shirt like this.  They also probably know the dude working there. They truly believe that  a pair of bullshit jeans with ten intentional rips in them and a Hollister T will make them a threat out on there on the field.  They will be as big of a threat as Jermaine O’neal when he first went to the Celtics.  I mean these dudes will be as successful as Allen Iverson when he was playing in Turkey.  You know that Steve Francis was cut from an international team last year for being out of shape? Pathetic…… Fuck, I’m getting off topic.

 

 

 

 

Axe spray, and a Hollister t-shirt doesn’t get you pussy…not at this age.  When we were 13 every badass, smooth dude was rockin A&F and Hollister and sprayin their jimmy with Axe before they went to the ladies crib to touch a few breasts and get some K’s on their L’s. But once you get older, get a fuckin clue. That shit is lame than a motherfucker!

Bottom Line: If I see a grown ass man wearing a Hollister t-shirt to go out or even to class or work, I immediately lose respect for the man. Our dedicated readership already knows the criteria for being a “Tebow” and since then many of them  have been able to point out Tebow’s they randomly encounter. I am almost embarrassed that I forgot to mention in the Tim Tebow article that “Tim Tebow’s” stay rockin Hollister.  If you see a man wearing a kippah he is Jewish.  If you see a man wearing a Hollister t-shirt, he sucks. Simple as that Jack.

 These dudes can’t even drink whiskey…they most likely order vodka and soda like a bitch. For a girl….great drink. For a grown ass man…go fuck yourself. (just my opinion)

Even in this pic the one dude on the left is jerkin off…..not normal folks!

Ugly Bitches Monday, Sep 26 2011 

Saw these ugly bitches chillin outside my crib the other day. Thank god summers coming to an end.

THANK GOD ITS SUNDAY Sunday, Sep 25 2011 

 

Yims Wok Real talk, just had that scrumptious chinese food for lunch. House special chicken with some mooshu pancakes. put some white rice, b-roccolli’s, and some house special chicken nuggies in a pancake, roll that shit up, and enjoy your chinese burrito. What you know about that Chipotle??

Onto some shit that matters though, another sunday and another day of dumb jews wagering money and following their fantasy teams. I however am one ofthe smart jews, my fantasy teams are nice and wagers look right. From now on you will be graced with Perlys Pick’s on Sunday. Bet on these games and you will win dough, its that easy.

Player Prop of week- Fred Jackson rushes for more yards than Ben Jarvus Fiend Ellis -2.5. Freddy is gunna run the ball like a young OJ Simpson. There is no doubt this hits, get it while its hot.

First half Play of Week- Dolphins -.5 first half- Peyton Hillis not playin, but BMARSH is. It’s a simple as that, eat a dick Colt Mcgoy.

Tease of the Week- Pats -.5, San frAN +9- San fran probably wins htis game, and the pats definitely do. fred Jackson and AJ Green can only do so much.

PARLAY OF WEEK- Dont need to go into detail on this one.

Parlay (5 Teams) 09/25/11 11:55 ET
bet 10.00 to win 142.82 Result: Pending
Denver Broncos
Tennessee Titans
09/25/2011(13:00 ET)
Over 44
Jacksonville Jaguars
Carolina Panthers
09/25/2011(13:00 ET)
Carolina Panthers -3 (-125)
Miami Dolphins
Cleveland Browns
09/25/2011(13:00 ET)
Miami Dolphins -1
New England Patriots
Buffalo Bills
09/25/2011(13:00 ET)
New England Patriots -340
New York Jets
Oakland Raiders
09/25/2011(16:05 ET)
Oakland Raiders +3 (-125)

Enjoy Sunday everyone.

JUST PLAYIN SOME WEEKEND FOOTBALL

SHMENDGE CRITERIA Thursday, Sep 22 2011 

Websters Definition:

Shmendrick- Noun, A stupid and ineffectual nobody.

11:1 Ratio of shmendge’s to good men in North America.

26:1 Ratio of shmendge’s to great men in North America.

As you can see, there are far more shmendge’s in the world than there are good or great men. As Shmendge’s around the world fornicate and reproduce more shmendges, the breed of good and great men are becoming extinct. I have already educated you all on the criteria for being a great man, so now I will teach about “shmendge criteria”.

NUMBER 1- Heres a huge rule- If you look like a prick, you better have some pretty good shtick. You all know what I mean by prick, so now to explain shtick. Shtick is an adjective that describes ones ability to carry him or herself. Shtick has to do with the ability to have others around you feel your presence in a positive manner. This a tough criteria to pass because there are so many people out there that are annoying to be around, and just don’t bring anything positive to the table.  Let me give you an example of a man with great shtick. His name is Aaryn Pure, the dude’s shtick ratings are at 97. The reason being is because he has the ability to connect with so many different people. Aaryn can comfortably communicate with a nerd as well as a billionaire ceo. He is well-respected because of his great shtick. Now let me get into someone with bad shtick. I’m not going to name names but this kid has awful shtick. His latest Shtick rating came back at a measly 53. Whenever he is around he is always talking about something that nobody cares about , he never brings anything of value to the table, and he looks like a darn peasant. Once again I wont say his name but he is a SHMENDGE.

NUMBER 2- If you smell like cheese, you better be providin the febreeze. This isn’t just applying to body odor, it applies to all facets of life. For example, there are bad men out there who constantly bombard into activities and don’t bring anything to the table. Basically they smell like cheese and don’t clean up their stench with a deodorizer. For example, I will talk about a shmendge who doesn’t clean his stench. This kid is constantly engaging in lighting of bitter herb but he doesn’t throw down enough to compensate for his “foul stench”. He is a shmendge so should throw down double the amount of tree as others in order to repel his stinky shmendge smell. There is soo many stinky cheese shmendges who don’t know how to cover their odor.

NUMBER 3- If you don’t get any pink, that just makes others think, that you have less game than a chinck. Lets be honest, I am not a racist in any way shape or form but after doing thorough research I have concluded that Asians get less pussy than any other race. Shmendge’s get zero pink because they don’t assert themselves or make a distinct attempt to slay. There are some good men out there who don’t get much pink but they make up for it in other ways. Basically if you’re not getting any pink you should just go on a mission and try to get with anything in sight. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Shmendge’s are so often trigger shy and don’t shoot at all. Shmendge’s across america, just go for it!!!!

NUMBER 4- Kill the game, and in turn, people will know your name. Shmendge’s biggest problem’s are that they get zero media attention for anything good that they do. The only time they are mentioned is when people are talking smackington’s about them or when they do something embarrassingly dumb. In order for Shmendge’s to get better media is to just be a better man. Killing the game is a term that I use to describe someone who can accomplish all different kinds of tasks in an efficient manner. An example of killing the game can be seen by looking at Dirk Novitsky’s younger cousin Max. He is a gentleman and a scholar as well as an athlete. This triple combination has all different kinds of people recognizing him for different accomplishments. There is no questioning the kids ability to kill the game.

 

These rules are not being put out there to make people feel poorly about themselves, they merely exist in order for shmendges to be able to accurately identify their faults. I don’t want the breed of good men to become extinct like the terodactyl, I want good men to flourish and the world to be a better place. I have started a project recently called the GOOD MEN PROJECT. It is similar to a concentration camp but it is meant for shmendge’s. They will undergo rigorous testing in order to better themselves so good men don’t become a dieing breed. Please spread the word.

 

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