I would like to apologize for my absence from the blogging game but I have been real busy slangin copiers and I didn’t have power at my house for a week. I’m back now so don’t fuckin fret and call me a one week wonder. I’m all about longevity and this blog will be goin until the year 2057.

I have been meaning to blog for a while about becoming a seasoned vet. There are many people out there who retain amateur status their whole life and never even come close to bein a vetran. I can post about this from a real life perspective because I too was once an amateur. For you peasants out there that don’t have your V card, heres how you can get it. It is a 4 step process.

1) Average 7 or more great lines a day. I know many people out there who are trying to lose their amateur status but are stuck on this one part. The average human male averages 3.7 great lines per day while the average female averages 1.3, so unfortunately it is hard to pass this stage. You might ask, what the fuck is Perl talkin about, what constitutes a great line. Well the criteria for a great line can be broken down into two steps…

a) It is followed by someone saying, wow thats an unreal point, or wow, you raise a valid point. Either way you get what I mean, someone is basically telling you, I never thought about that and you have just added value to my life.

b) The other way you can drop a great line is by making someone laugh for more than 3 seconds or by making a group of 2 or more people laugh simultaneously.

I average 32 great lines a day, and am ranked 31st in the world in the newest poll of seasoned veterans. My father Marquise Perlson is closing in the top ten because of a great week in which he had 273 great lines. If you don’t average 7 or more great lines per day, you are one of those people who are always wondering what to say instead of being a vet and letting your veteran organs work to their capabilities.

2) The number two criteria to pass in being a seasoned vet is consideration. A good barometer in measuring this is a statistic I created: Average (__________) Time= Average time in that category minus yours. For instance, a friend of mine named Justin averages a chiefing pass time of 47 seconds, the average pass time is 28 seconds. Therefore Justin retains his amateur status unless he can cut down on his APT. Another average time statistic is being on time. Some people are late to everything and have a horrific “Average on time”. My average on time is -6, this means i show up to the average spectacle 6 minutes early. On the other hand Gregory Elbaum has a Avg on time of 8. This means he still remains an AMATEUR.

3) The third statistic in being a Vet is to bring something to the table. Lets face facts, there are people out there that just don’t bring any value to the game. We are surrounded by people like this and for this very reason they are some of the biggest amateurs in the world. I don’t wanto name names but there are people out there that are constantly saying phrases like, “can i get in on that”, or “what you gettin into lata”, or “how did you get that”. If you find yourself saying a line like this pretty often, you are in fact an Amateur.

4) You smell or have bad breath. If your just plain ugly, theres nothing you can do about it, but if you smell like donkey dick and your breathe smells like you have been feasting on a booger/ear wax concoction, than you are not a vet. Its fuckin simple, shower once a day, and brush your mutha fuckin teeth. I was reading somewhere that bad breath has caused more deaths than osteoporosis. Its true, gingavitis is a monster. If you’re breathin that fuckin stank sauce then get out of my face. That why always got breath mints on hand, to keep the amateurs in check.

Follow these guidelines and you’re quality of life while will take flight. Its as easy as y=mx+b, you need that positive slope and then you’ll start to make bitches choke.

Remember these 4 steps and you’ll kill the game. ITS SCIENCE. I worked out the formulas in my laboratory and had some of the brightest minds on earth test my hypothesis’s.


Advertisements