I’m about to open up an uncovered chapter of my life that I stored deep in the memory bank.

Chapter 12- Diving Board Duece-

DBD happened in the summer of 1995. I was only 6 years old when my parents decided they wanted to join a country club. The day was a warm sunday in the month of July, I will never forget the events that transpired. On the morning of DBD day, I had a steak egg and cheese bagel from Mcdonald’s. About 2 hours later my family drove the 4 mile trek to Tam o Shanter golf club in order to see the course, dining facilities, and swimming pool. After eating a huge burger and fries even though I wasn’t hungary me and my brother decided to head to the pool and hit on some bitches.

This is where the story takes a turn for the worse and me and my brothers street cred took a huge hit. Well, my brother was in the pool talking mad gamesicles to some cute chick, and I was sitting on a lounge chair because I had a bad tummy ache. My brother told me to man up and get in the pool because he needed me to wingman for him. I was extremely thankful for this oppurtunity because the chick I was Wing PeytonManning on was a serious dimeington. She was real hot and I wanted to impress her, so I decided I would do a backflip off the diving board.

When I got off the lounge chair I walked confidently up to the diving board as everyone from the pool watched from afar. I knew this was my chance to get my family into Tam O shanter and my opportunity to get my first beej. The pressure was immense and my stomach was feelin more tense than Hunter Pence. I had last second thoughts of chickening out of the jump but once I stood on the diving board I knew there was no turning back. After my first step towards the edge of the board I felt my stomach give way to a secreting brown liquid that was dripping down my leg. At first I thought it was that time of year that I shed chocolate milk but I soon realized that It was just diareah. I was completely embarrassed everyone became silent and just looked at me with disgust.

If you thought this story couldn’t get any more embarrassing or pathetic than please read on and enjoy. Well if you thought that me shitting on the diving board would stop me from jumping in the pool then you are completely wrong. I ended up doing my blackflip and lasering diarea rain drops all over the pool. It turns out my brother had a bad gag reflax as a child and he proceeded to throw up all up in the pool. I’m sure you can guess the reaction of all the parents at the pool and all the lasting impression it left on those people.

Turns out I actually was a member of Tam O shanter for 12 years, and the board of entrees enjoyed my poop performance. They realized it was a sign the pool needed some cleaning and that I was merely testing the ph levels with my diarea tentacles.

 

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