African American Veteran Week Saturday, Oct 29 2011 

As I’m sure most of you know it is african american veteran week starting today. I would like to commemorate one of the greatest and most genius black announcers to ever walk planet Earth. His name is Walt “Clyde” Frazier, and he’s a 9.4 on the veteran scale. He’s the color commentator for the NYK Knicks and he has more one liners than a young Chris Farley. I would just like to thank him for his contribution to the game and his dedicated membership to the SOGM (Society of good men). Below are some unreal rhymes and other types of phrases that have contributed to his latest ranking of 31 on the latest veteran big board.

 

WALT FRAZIER’S RHYME TIME

Out-muscling and Out-hustling
Dishing and Swishing
Hustling and Bustling
Movin’ and Grovin’!
Slicing and Dicing to the hoop!
Swooping and Hooping
Bounding and Astounding
Wheeling and Dealing
Shaking and Baking
Dancing and Prancing
Posting and Toasting
Styling and Profiling
Will the Thrill
Nate the Great
Stumbling and Bumbling
Spinning and Winning
Loosey Goosey
Huffing and Stuffing
Winning and Grinning

OTHER POPULAR PHRASES

Feline Quickness
Matador Defense
Swiss Cheese Defense
Shrewd, Clever, Slick

Killing the game at an early age Friday, Oct 28 2011 

Get a load of this video. This young negro is absolutely killing the game. It is rare for a young gun to drop such veteran lines but somehow this kid goes on a nice streak. I’m really feeling his cut as well. If I was a young negro I would probably alternate between a fro and what this kid rocks. Bottomline, this kids gotta drop the skateboard and pick up a basketball. Stop chilling with these spanish wana be tony Hawks and hit up the hoop court to play ball. Theres nothing worse than wasted talent. YA DIG…

 

What you know about my Waffle Necklace? Thursday, Oct 27 2011 

So I was browsing the internet looking for something to interest me, when I came across one of the most innovative genius contraptions I have ever seen. This item doesn’t have any functionalities other than killing the game, and making me look fresh. This item I speak of is my new necklace, that has a waffle on it. Waffles are a delicious food and I am happy to awake every morning and strap on my waffle. To make things better, my waffles got made butters on it. Dont fux wit it, but you can buy the glazed doughnut or chocolate chip necklace if you want.

KTG TODAY

 

Is Daniel Tosh a Gay? Wednesday, Oct 26 2011 

First let me say that I am a big fan of Daniel Tosh, and think his show is hilarious.  Its also a great idea to create a show that just plays youtube videos and has a guy clowning them. It is the first of its kind and there will be many others just like it in the future…

Now that I got that out of the way, I must address the question that all of his viewers are thinking: is this dude gay or what?  If he is, cool.  If he is not, then I am just confused.  There is no way that this dude is not gay, he is always naked doing gay shit, and to be honest I hope he is gay.  If he isn’t a gay then he is just a pretty weird dude. 

If someone out there knows the actual answer, and has proof contact Jason Aizenman.  But what do you think?

Mean Old Women are The Worst!! Tuesday, Oct 25 2011 

I’m here today to finally reveal the secret behind why some old women are mean as tits. Have you ever been scolded so hard by an old women that your soul was actually in pain? I’ve had some extremely bad confrontations with old women in my hayday and would just like to explain what makes some old women so salty. There is a solid 3 step criteria that defines how mean an old woman will be. Each criteria that they hit makes them one step meaner on the POW (Perl old Woman) chart.

Criteria 1- They can’t cook shit. Old women that can’t cook anything are miserable as fuck, let me tell you why. What is the number one thing that makes grandmother’s across the world happy? The answer to that is having family that cares for them and that appreciates their cooking. If an old woman cant cook, then no one will ever come over to kick it with them. I used to be very good boys with the old woman that lived down the street from me. it wasn’t because she gave an exquisite beej, its was because her meatballs that she made for me everytime I came over were delicious. No one wants to sit at an old women’s house eating a microwaved dinner while she knits a blanket, we want to indulge in the dank nuggets while making believe we are listening to her stories. There is a direct linear relationship to an old women’s cooking and how nice she is. You do the math.
Criteria 2- They look like shit and smell even worse- Lets be honest, old woman have a weird smell to them. They have been around the block for a while and its not that easy for them to bathe. The average woman over the age of 76 takes 3 showers a week. The ones who take less than 3 tend to be mean as hell. Smelly people just tend to be unhappy people. ITS AS EASY AS THAT.

Criteria 3- They’ve been mean and miserable their whole lives. You know of the girls growing up that were very strange and different who had like one or two friends. The girl tended to be very normal looking, not that ugly, but was mean as hell. The girl’s that would carry around a novel and read it while they ate lunch by themselves in the cafeteria. They hated boys and in turn the boys would pick on her with no mercy. Now picture this girl and think about what a mean miserable old women she will become. She will never get married, never touch a dick, and miss out on the better things in life. She will never be able to cook and never smell better than rotten pepper jack cheese. If an old woman fulfills the first 2 criterion they will always achieve number 3. Its our job as American people to be nice to these outcast young girls, so they don’t become mean old women.

Anne Ramsay was the greatest mean woman around. She played momma fatelli in the goonies and was just so damn mean to everyone.

 

 

Go against the Public tonight.. Monday, Oct 24 2011 

NFL has given the lowly Jaguars 2 HOME Monday night football games this year for one reason and one reason only. To help and save the franchise who is not selling any tickets. Look for the Refs to be favoring the Jags in this one to make sure they don’t get blown out on national television. Jaguars shutout the Steelers in the 2nd half of last game and I think they will roll over some momentum to this game and be fired up to play on national television.

Jaguars +11 Large

I honestly think there is good value in betting the jags moneyline as well. Take the jags tonight, you heard it here first. MJD is going to be hungry and Blaine Gabbert will have his best game as a pro.

PERLY PREDICTION- RAVENS 23-JAGUARS 20

Last second kick by Bill I’m not shmills Cundiff

WENDYS DANK BURGER Friday, Oct 21 2011 

What you know about the Wendys Dank Burger? It is an invention I concocted after one of my very first dooby sessions. Fast food veterans around the world know about the jr bacon cheeseburger, all i really did was take it to the next level. I’m about to lay out the directions for constructing a dank burger, you have a few options along the way but the original dank burger follows my guidelines 100%.

Rule 1- Start with your base sandwich. I generally use the jr. bacon cheeseburger, plain. I don’t fux wit mayonnaise, i had a dream that god told me its the white devil.

Rule 2- Order your chicken nuggets. Ever since wendys started with the spicy chicken nuggets I have been getting them. Lay 3 chicken nuggets, on the patty of your JBC.

Rule 3- Order small french fries. lay exactly 13 french fries down on top of your nuggets which is on top of your patty.

Rule 4- Put bbq sauce and honey mustard on your dank burger. After years of research I have figured out that chick filet sauce is just honey mustard and bbq sauce.

If you follow these 4 rules you will have a great dining experience. Amateurs live by dumb rules of saying not to mix poultry and beef on a sandwich. Please try this sandwich at a wendys near you.

What a fucking crew… Friday, Oct 21 2011 

Look at these three cut up ass dudes…

These dudes had just smoked a fat ass blunt ten minutes ago. Skeeter came through with this bag of gunj that he got form his older cousin whose got a medical card.  He hit up Doug and was like, “Yo, d fizzle, i got that fire homie, go scoop an L and we gon get it in in like fifteen.”

Doug, was like, “Yo I’m at my girls, but she lives right next to the mini-mart. Make it twenty.  Patty bout to let me lay pipe.”

Then Skeeter was like, “whatever white boy, go stick your little slim jim in that butch ass shorty……call me after you get some butt cheeks. That chick looks likes a dyke  ass gym teacher anyway. Bet five she is gonna be a lesbian in like 10 years.”

Doug gave his usual response, “Yo man if theres grass on the infield, play ball!”

(one hour and fifteen minutes later)

The two young men smoked a fat ass blunt that Skeeter rolled to perfection. Then Doug had the idea to go to Wendy’s. That bitch ass dog also liked the idea. And just like that they got ready to run over to Wendy’s.  At that very moment when they were just about to hit the jets, that picture posted above was taken. 

This was the first Perly Ains short explanation of a cartoon pic. If we remember, there will be more to come.

     

 

Thursday, Oct 20 2011 

Its Thursday and I’m still in post surgery pain. The only cure that I can think of right now is taking mad parlays, engage in blaze, and fart on gays. Get on Board the perly express, choo choo

ALL ABOARD!!

Future Wager 10/20/11 13:50 ET
bet 5.00 to win 70.00 Result: Pending
Rangers (C Lewis) vs Cardinals (J Garcia) – Margin of Victory – Game Must go 8.5 Innings
e-Rangers by 5 runs exactly 10/20/2011(20:05 ET)
14/1

 

5266
Parlay (2 Teams) 10/20/11 13:48 ET
bet 9.00 to win 22.50 Result: Pending
Texas Rangers C Lewis
St Louis Cardinals J Garcia
10/20/2011(20:05 ET)
Over 8
Texas Rangers C Lewis
St Louis Cardinals J Garcia
10/20/2011(20:05 ET)
Texas Rangers -120

 


Parlay (2 Teams) 10/20/11 13:47 ET
bet 8.00 to win 20.80 Result: Pending
C Florida (Central Florida)
UAB
10/20/2011(20:00 ET)
UAB +16.5
C Florida (Central Florida)
UAB
10/20/2011(20:00 ET)
Over 46

 


Straight Wager 10/20/11 13:47 ET
bet 8.00 to win 40.00 Result: Pending
C Florida (Central Florida)
UAB
10/20/2011(20:00 ET)
UAB +500

 


Parlay (2 Teams) 10/20/11 13:46 ET
bet 13.00 to win 35.45 Result: Pending
UCLA
Arizona
10/20/2011(21:00 ET)
UCLA +4.5 (-105)
UCLA
Arizona
10/20/2011(21:00 ET)
Under 62

OFS- the acronym that says so much Thursday, Oct 20 2011 

OFS- out for season.

If you haven’t watched sportcenter recently and seen the latest injury reports, you probably missed seeing me on the bottomline. Yours truly, Joseph Orenthal Perlson had ankle surgery to fix a broken fibula. Although I have been munching on mad percocettes and chiefing on the bitterest of herb’s, I’m still very unsatisfied with being OFS.

Being OFS is way more than being injured. OFS means that the man I once was is not the man I currently am. My usual funny lines have been replaced with cynicism that makes even the lightest of corridors feel like a satanic cave. Think of it like this, the only people that would enjoy chilling with me right now is, Hitler, Ozama, and Babe Didrickson Zaharias. BDZ gives an awful beej, If beejing was a dogshow then BDZ would be one of them ugly dogs that poops everywhere and barks at the judges.

I cant stand being OFS but I am trying to make the most out of the situation. As I was laying in bed this morning eating mcdonald’s breakfast and farting on my housekeeper, I said something mad funny. I said listen to my housekeeper, “listen, the next time I fart, I want you to clean my ears of my earwax and pick my nose and make a sculpture out of my boogers. It just seemed like such a good idea at the time because its not like anything tight was happening at the moment. The result of her booger earwax sculpture made me feel mad happy. She created a sombrero out of my booger and earwax and then wore it to the bowling alley and bowled a 300.

The lesson to be learned is that although i am OFS, my body still secretes championship type results. I lived vicariously through my housekeeper today, and she proved to me that I will once again rise to the top of my game. Next time you are OFS, JUST LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOUR HOUSEKEEPER.

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