I’m here today to finally reveal the secret behind why some old women are mean as tits. Have you ever been scolded so hard by an old women that your soul was actually in pain? I’ve had some extremely bad confrontations with old women in my hayday and would just like to explain what makes some old women so salty. There is a solid 3 step criteria that defines how mean an old woman will be. Each criteria that they hit makes them one step meaner on the POW (Perl old Woman) chart.

Criteria 1- They can’t cook shit. Old women that can’t cook anything are miserable as fuck, let me tell you why. What is the number one thing that makes grandmother’s across the world happy? The answer to that is having family that cares for them and that appreciates their cooking. If an old woman cant cook, then no one will ever come over to kick it with them. I used to be very good boys with the old woman that lived down the street from me. it wasn’t because she gave an exquisite beej, its was because her meatballs that she made for me everytime I came over were delicious. No one wants to sit at an old women’s house eating a microwaved dinner while she knits a blanket, we want to indulge in the dank nuggets while making believe we are listening to her stories. There is a direct linear relationship to an old women’s cooking and how nice she is. You do the math.
Criteria 2- They look like shit and smell even worse- Lets be honest, old woman have a weird smell to them. They have been around the block for a while and its not that easy for them to bathe. The average woman over the age of 76 takes 3 showers a week. The ones who take less than 3 tend to be mean as hell. Smelly people just tend to be unhappy people. ITS AS EASY AS THAT.

Criteria 3- They’ve been mean and miserable their whole lives. You know of the girls growing up that were very strange and different who had like one or two friends. The girl tended to be very normal looking, not that ugly, but was mean as hell. The girl’s that would carry around a novel and read it while they ate lunch by themselves in the cafeteria. They hated boys and in turn the boys would pick on her with no mercy. Now picture this girl and think about what a mean miserable old women she will become. She will never get married, never touch a dick, and miss out on the better things in life. She will never be able to cook and never smell better than rotten pepper jack cheese. If an old woman fulfills the first 2 criterion they will always achieve number 3. Its our job as American people to be nice to these outcast young girls, so they don’t become mean old women.

Anne Ramsay was the greatest mean woman around. She played momma fatelli in the goonies and was just so damn mean to everyone.