Girls With No Ass Make Me Sick Monday, Apr 29 2013

Fuck these girls who have no ass at all. Who the fuck do they think they are?? So many girls out there think its all about having big ol boobies and a tiny little tushy. These bitches just don’t get it….Allow me to elaborate….

There are a few type of girls I am singling out in particular and lets discuss the first example: “The Cardio/Anorexic Big Titty Chick”
Man oh man is this bitch selfish. These chicks are obviously born very pretty, but natural beauty isn’t enough for them. They won’t allow themselves to have the big booty that hashem intended them to have. They starve themselves and hit the cardio like a motherfucker just to take away the very thing guys want the most- A nice round tush. These women can be spotted with a People Magazine, bumpin Beiber and Brittany, and wearing the lululemon badge and bringing disgrace to the brand. Aint no ripple, ain’t no ass. These women are selfish and get fake titties to make up for their lack of voluptuousness. They rely on their cleavage to get them whatever they need, and yes when they are face to face with someone, big ol hogans are very effective. HOWEVER…when they walk away and the male happens to glimpse at the cheeks and it looks like a 10 year old Perly walking by, then sheeeeeeeeit, that bitch is a waste of talent.

Girls with tiny asses will always comment on a girl with a big ass. They will say things like “she shouldn’t be wearing those pants” or something stupid as shit like “ew gross shes fat”. Bitch, she aint fat, she is skinny and is wearing those yoga pants like a champ. A good test of whether a girl has enough ass is to bring any random 3 black chicks, one jewish dude (probably me) and an anorexic white chick. Then these sample judges can come up with the answer whether or not a girl has enough ass. If she doesn’t we send her on to the island they used to put people with leperacy. BUT if she does, we give her a $50 gift card to lululemon and a free doritos taco from t bell.

This chick would be sent to the island full of leperacy peeps”:

Like wtf is this? gymnastics for kindergartners??? this shit aint natural and whoever is telling these women to do some much cardio and puke up their quinoa salads is misinforming them and doing the world a great injustice.

This has been another Public Service Announcement courtesy of PerlyAins.

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Notre Dame: not for the jews… Monday, Jan 7 2013

Geez mothafucking louise…it sure has been a long time ladies and gentlemen.  Perly and J Ains went into retirement for about a year.  We both moved to a gated senior citizen community down in Boca, copped 2 Buick’s and been getting crispy in the hot tub next to old wrinkly ass bitches named Ethel.  After a year of slammin 80 year old shorties  and takin the money from old 80 year old homies named Herb playing cards and bettin on Perly in golf, we back with a vengeance.  And what better time to come back than the day of Bama vs. Notre Dame national championship game…

This brings me to my next subject….

 

 

 

If you are a young Jewish sports fan, and have no real ties to either squads in tonights game then you cheering for Notre Dame would make as much sense as you using christianmingle.com to get your next nut.  Before i go any further I know I look like Rudy, so lets all have a good little laugh about that.

 

 

 

 

Now that we got that out of the way…fuck Rudy and fuck Notre Dame.  Young Jewish males are given a lot from birth…we are given mad connections, mad kippot, some channukah gelt but we are not given any sort of right to cheer for the most goyem team since Ralph Lauren’s Polo squad.  Have you ever walked into Nordtrom’s during christmas time??? Shit is dripping with Notre Dame swag…

Growing up in Pittsburgh Pitt bball games are a big deal for a young Jewish male. There is no NBA squad so the Panthers are it for us.  Seeing Notre Dame come in every year with their butter scotch fans and one white shooting guard with a buzz cut who is wet from three takes a toll on all of us.  If Notre Dame were a club, tribe members aint a part of it.  Yesterday I wanted Chick-Fil-A more than anything but it was closed on Sunday….you know why?  Because all of the employees were at home making banners for the fighting irish and tucking in their shirts and shit.

So ladies and Gentlemen, i’m rollin tide this evening with the homie Scott Greene and B Phil’s whole fam.  I do understand there are special circumstances why a young mensch may have to cheer for Notre Dame and by all means do what you gotta do.

 

But just know and ALWAYS remember, Perly Ains Ain’t Playin Games.

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RUTH BAKER Monday, Jan 7 2013

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WE BACK Monday, Jan 7 2013

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FUX WIT IT

 

 

 

 

 

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Erik Spoelstra- you are fucking worthless… Wednesday, Jun 20 2012

This dude is about as valuable to his organization as sprouts are to the Turkey Tom at Jimmy Johns’s.

 How the fuck can they expect this nerd-dick-cheese-pussy-fuck to lead a team of hall of famers, and get them pumped up and motivate them and shit??  This shmuck-ass looks more like their accountant who likes to chill with them on the court or a dorky scientist doing experiments on Chris Bosh, trying to figure out what the fuck that dude is.

At least Dr. Scientist Spoelstra has made progress with Avatar-ass C bosh since he came from the Raptors:

Neither Lebron nor D Wade need a coach so they hired this butt head to keep his fucking mouth shut, and take it in the ass from Ronny Turiaf (which can’t be too much fun) .  

This is just my opinion on the dude…but my man Perly got some big old unrelated nacho cheese to get off his chest.  This dude been hibernatin like a polar bear in Alaska just grubbin Polar Bear pussy for like 6 months.  Now J Ains off the leash, and Perly got his tongue out of polar bear bitches ass cracks out of hibernation and shit, grubbin big ass fish with eskimos.  We back…..

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Dont fux wit us Thursday, Dec 29 2011

u already know

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Fuckin Flash Mobs Saturday, Dec 10 2011

What is there to be said about Flash Mobs that can’t be said about Ellen Degeneres?  They are both gay, annoying, and generally anger me.  My dear friend T Streets asked me what I thought of this new cultural phenomenon they are calling a “flash mob”…and as i ripped this shit apart like it was a check that i fucked up while writing out I realized that most people most likely hate these weird, unnecessary things.   This video will sum it all up:

Telling you that this is lame and these people should consider moving to their own island somewhere between Canada and the US and just grub on fish and get butt ass naked and do organized dances in the middle of the fucking wilderness all the time is unecessary.  I am very curious what everyone else thinks about this bullshit

Lastly, The Tim Tebow II Article is coming soon…..any suggestions for that shit hit up Z Cohen of Temple University.

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Unsung Wendy’s Hero Friday, Dec 9 2011

I been on my Wendy’s scheme lately. I made a genius play the other night when I put my spicy chicken go wrap, into my plain double stack, and threw BBQ sauce on it. My boy Mike Christie practically nominated me for the Nobel Peace prize but decided against it last second. Tonight was a different night however. It could have turned disastrous if not for the Unsung Wendy’s Hero named Juanita.

I pulled through the drive-thru after Juanita eloquently took my order of Spicy chicken sando and a bottle of wooter. I gave her my ten bucks, and just proceeded to drive away. It was top five biggest amateur moves of all time. I completely forgot that I was there to get my Travis Diener, when Juanita jumped through the glass drive through window and ran towards my moving whip. She smacked my window and I opened it and she gave me my delicious wendys treats. Bottom line, the drivethru woman doesn’t get enough respect. She’s taking orders, collecting peoples moneys, and doing heroic things on the reg. I’m thankful that Juanita works at my Wendy’s.

Juanita

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He Ain’t No Sandusky Thursday, Dec 8 2011

I’ll tell you one thing… Sandusky fucking ruined this pic-a-da-week.  Before Sandusky became more popular Calvin Klein, this dude would have made it out of this day alive….but once again Sandusky fucked shit up for JoePA looking motherfuckers everywhere.

What had happened was this old dudes house was about to get seized from the dude in Happy Gilmore who seizes Grandma’s house.  He wasn’t having any of that bullshit because him and his shorty stayed gettin busy in that crib and makin mad good meals.

 

He said fuck it and went to study abroad in Australia like my boys Kras and Zubrowsky.  He brought his house so he wouldn’t have to throw the appraiser through his front window like the dude in Happy Gilmore.  While he was hiking and  minding his own damn business this little, fat, nerdy, half-retarded fuck wouldn’t leave him alone about borrowing five dollars for some popcorn or queso dip or some shit.

As they made it back in town some dude thought this old man was Sandusky and shot him in the grillpiece.

THE END

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Celebrities Siblings Anonymous Thursday, Dec 1 2011

My dear friend Miller McCormick happens to have a pretty famous brother.  However Miller is somewhat of a celebrity himself.  He had pecs and shaved since he was twelve years old, hes a beast at graphic design, could have gone pro in baseball (in my opinion) and has a mediocre sized jimmy…

Since Miller’s brother is so famous he is part of an elite group of siblings that all share a common aspect of their lives….their siblings are famous as fuck while they are as normal as a Red Lobster in the burbs.  The other day Miller told me he is going to start a group called–“Celebrities Siblings Anonymous”.  This group will include people like Johnny Drama, Donny Wahlberg, and whoever the fuck is related to the kid from Two and a Half Men who recently hit puberty.  

CSA (celebrities siblings anonymous) meetings will take place in synagogues, community rec centers, churches and Einstein Bagels across the country.  Miller will obviously be the leader of the meetings.  No groupies allowed….no paparrazi allowed….only Busch Light beer and string cheese is allowed (preferably Cheese Head Brand).  No matter how much yinz might want to go to these meetings and get fucked up on Busch Light and Mozzarella  you aint fuckin welcome unless your brother is famous. 

But they need to be very famous.  Like this dude doesn’t even count as famous enough:

 

 

 

 

If this dickhead from Entourage and Oceans 11 is your brother, then stay the fuck home.  The security is very heavy and they will be watching the door very carefully.  My cousin Adam will be watching the door and you do not want to fuck with this dude:

He used to be security for this roided homo from Jersey Shore, but now he works full time making sure the CSA meetings give their members what they deserve…..

Anyone who feels the need to attend these meetings and have a brother who is famous as fuck, as usual contact Alex Pattis of the University of Arizona. Peace.

 

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